dare to eat a peach!

Friday, 15 August 2008

Thursday, 07 August 2008

  • Bike Mileage

    A month into the new job and I'm up to my eyes in..."work", I guess. Is it too early to be discouraged? Probably.

    Here's my bike mileage from July 25th to August 1st. It was impressive. For irony's sake, this week has included the most driving I've done in months.

    July 25th: 21
    July 26th: 12
    July 27th: 6
    July 28th: 22
    July 29th: 10.5
    July 30th: 12
    July 31st: 14
    Aug 1st: 10

    Total: 107.5

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

  • Atmospheric Pressure

    Today the sky is enormous, cloudless and blue. These are the sunniest, brightest kinds of days and I hate them. I like a little something between me and outer space, even if it's just cirrus.

    (And yes, I think I'm back at this. Cannot explain to you why, as I'm not quite sure myself.)

Tuesday, 08 April 2008

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

  • Dead Until Further Notice

    Yup, I'm just not feeling the blog these days. I'm all about the living and the drinking up of life until I can feel it in my marrow sort of living these days. I'm getting my writing kick on elsewhere. It's a good feeling.

    Until the muse strikes again,

    She Under the Pseudonym of Sophie

Saturday, 23 February 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Prolonging the Magic
    By Cake
    see related

    End in sight

    I want to believe in heaven for the bearded woman who waits for the bus every day on Johnson Street, laughing nonsensically with her boots untied and interjecting obscenities, making the kids around her step back. I want that peace for her.

    I want to believe in God to shut up the naysayers. I want there to be something unexplainable and yet that which explains, order among the chaos yet simultaneous chaos among the order. I want to find out what comets, stars, and moons are all about and not fear the night sky for how immense it is.

    Winter does strange things to one's faith. Many things do, to be fair, but particularly long and trying seasons result in two coping strategies.

    1) Give up, find faith in something a bit more tangible.

    or

    2) Hold on and hope for an end.

    I'm in the latter category, thought plenty of those around me are in going for #1 these days. I can't say I blame them. The more I lament about my oh so utterly desperate state in life, the more I realize how ridiculous I am. The more I look at the world and figure out how it works, the more I realize how interconnected and vastly complicated this all is. And yet, despite how locked in a handful of people want it to be, you carve yourself a space and hunker down. You make it fit, you try to make it fit for others when that fits for you. Hold on, hope for a light at the end of the tunnel.

    This month was a test, I realize. Usually I shy away from that language, but that's exactly what happened. I got thrown into a situation that I didn't want to be with, without supports, with grudges and setbacks. I worked through and now the ground around me is less shaky. Heaven, or some sort of reward, seems attainable, even if we have to make it down here. That's fine. I'm not picky.

    Things are clearer and calmer these days, thank God. The sun shines and the thermometer hits twenty-five -- you think we'd won the war, we're that happy. Right now things are good. We'll deal with the next snowstorm when it comes, and not a moment sooner.

Monday, 18 February 2008

  • Currently Listening
    The Creek Drank the Cradle
    By Iron & Wine
    see related

    Good looks will always open doors for a girl

    Teach us to care and not to care
    Teach us to sit still
    - from "Ash Wednesday", TS Eliot

    I need to learn how to know when to throw in the towel.

    This journal has ever-so-slightly lost its significance for me. Lately I've been using it as an outlet to vent about the impossibility of ever finding meaningful employment or whining about how much I miss people. Before that it was, I realize now, a way for me to ease back into society without too much of a culture shock. It was, basically, to absorb the shock my life had received.
      
    Tonight was another night where I looked at the various job websites (what did people do before the Internet?) and felt the creeping hand of despair suction itself around my mouth and threaten to eat me in my darkness.

    This can't be a recurring thing, this anxiety. I'm not going to make it to my thirties if it is.

    The more and more I look into it, though, the more and more I realize: capitalism is a game that I don't want to play. I want nothing to do with it. I don't want to view an entry-level position as a career opportunity that could sustain me if I take good care of it, prodded with the promise that it will, in turn, care for me. And if it wasn't for those pesky loans and that inherent want for even the most basic of health insurance, I'd have thrown in the towel a long time ago. But these are a part of my life, sadly. If it wasn't for that wonderful boy*, I'd have signed up for some idealistic volunteer position already and taken care of two of them. But I'm in love, apparently, and therefore am prone to irrationality, and I have this desire to prove the naysayers wrong. I want to go against the grain and live my agrarian librarian dreams.

    And if I'm serious about this, I realize, I'm going to have to break some hearts. Namely: my parents. Because nothing warms your heart and soul more than with the security that your youngest child wants to join give contemporary society the bird and renounce a job with benefits and a 401k plan. I don't care, but yet...I do. A paradox.

    This is why people drink, isn't it?
    ___________

    * - a dozen roses on last Thursday. No one's ever done that for me. In 24 days, I'll get to thank him in person. He shoots, he scores!